These messages from the dreamer drummed louder and louder. So Marvin and I had reached a crucial point, a juncture to which full awareness inevitably leads. Therapist and patient conspire to pretend that theirs is a monogamous relationship. I shrugged off the question. The ruminations were highly repetitious: most were a fairly faithful replay of any one of their meetings during the twenty-seven days. She gave the thumbs-down signal and one gray morning took Elmer on his final visit to the veterinarian. When I say I feel good, I do not mean Im manicIve been down that road with the neurologists who tried to treat me for manic-depressive disease with lithiumdidnt do a thing except screw up my kidneys. I recall a patient I saw twenty years ago whose therapy was pockmarked with duplicity. Saul did not keep me long in suspense. As long as Matthew and I were alive, we always had the chance to return to it. You know shes a creep. Now shes fading. My head tells me that youre right. No doubt he regretted losing his exclusive relationship with me and resented the idea of sharing me with the group members. Love's Executioner.docx. When we finish, how will you get along without me? To risk placing herself in the situation where she might be obligated to nurse you? We repeated that same scenario several times. So I devoted myself to being present and faithful. Ive always found it difficult to treat someone with so little curiosity. This is what Ive been working forso I can retire., Will you find yourself missing anything about your work?, Only the headaches. I get the point.". She could not remember the dreams except for two recurrent ones that had begun in adolescence, shortly after her fathers death. I, too, had never reread the letters. I liked the way you admitted you didnt know and then invited me to explore it together with you.. We stood, walked to the door, shook hands, and parted. This should be done on the work of every male therapist IMO. I think the dream is about death and future life, and it uses your symbol of comparing death and rebirth to a trade of cars. Nonsense! they say. In his typical cynical mode, he said that his insurance policy would pay ninety percent of my fee, and that he wouldnt turn down a bargain like that. That surprised me, her clothes seemed so formless, so infinitely expandable, that I couldnt imagine them being outdistanced. But when I see a fat lady eat, I move down a couple of rungs on the ladder of human understanding. It was my idea to invite Matthew, my idea to ask him the questions you did. I thought I saw her nod her head. Me! And then the transformed Marge jumped up and proceeded to prance around the office, peering into bookcases, straightening pictures, and inspecting my furniture. That they might have been frightened by what was happening to their sister; that they, too, might grieve; that they might have begun to become aware of, and to fear, their own death: none of these possibilities had Penny ever considered. The irony of it all. Why think about death? He told her explicitly that the most important thing in the world to him was their relationship, and that he had never felt closer to her. Excellent. In fact, I left a message last week to let him know I was seeing you. Therapy always presented a paradox for her. He cogitated for a couple of minutes. A few hours later, the police found her empty purse dangling on a roadside bush. At first it seemed that these flashbacks, as well as the accompanying extreme mood swings, were chaotic, random occurrences; but after several weeks, Betty realized that they were following a coherent pattern: as she lost weight she re-experienced the major traumatic or unresolved events of her life that had occurred when she was at a particular weight. I inquired about the precise content of her daydreams, and Thelma seemed to enjoy talking about them. I could see the look of relief on her face. I looked at the clock less frequently and once in a while checked the time during Bettys hour not, as before, to count the number of minutes I had yet to endure, but to see whether sufficient time remained to open up a new issue. It happened that, during this period, I passed the upper weight limit I allow myself, and went on a three-week diet. He hesitated and then said that he had decided to return the fifty-thousand- dollar stipend to the Stockholm Institute! By the end of the hour, I was not yet able to make a recommendation and scheduled a second consultation hour. In the next hour she tried several times to come to me again. Theres a difference between wanting to do something and having to do it (to avoid some danger). Imagineshe claimed that one five-minute phone call a year would cure her. And it would have been a disaster for the children; she couldnt have given them anything as a single motherand it was here that I learned more about why Penny withheld telling me about the twins earlier. A creep. For one thing, it can damage relationships with surviving children. His only motivation to participate would be professionalhelping a sickie whos too incompetent to run her own life. Thelmas surprising outbursts, her sudden eruption of anger toward Matthew was a sign that the old defenses were no longer holding. She never even heard them! But knowing that doesnt stop it, doesnt break the vicious circle., Youd think, after six months, Id know the answer. Dave teased and joked about it but adamantly refused to state his age: he would not jeopardize his chances of scoring with one of the women in the group. There was another vehicle with problems with the rear-vision mirror. With wise investments in California real estate, he had become a wealthy man. Without doubt, we had made progress in therapy. My week has been a horror, sheer hell! Never had he done a better job. I tried the same approach with the letters, expecting that Saul, at my request, would open them immediately. The first call she made upon regaining consciousness was to Matthews tape machine. Though the word responsible may be used in a variety of ways, I prefer Sartres definition: to be responsible is to be the author of, each of us being thus the author of his or her own life design. She just stared at me. The project of psychiatric treatment is fraught with internal inconsistencies. Not every day does a student charge into my office and, with no trace of chagrinindeed, she seemed proud and defianttell me she has verbally assaulted one of my patients. . You cant be intimate with me because another therapist, eight years ago, hurt you. Ive had other therapists who tried to be warm, to put you at ease, but Matthew was different. After an accident or an assault, most people tend to feel unsafe, to have a reduced startle threshold, and to be hypervigilant. So I agreed to treat her because I was certain she was suffering, not from love, but from some rare variant which she mistook for love. She worked sixty hours a week, had no friends, no social life, no activities in California. When she woke up from the blackout in the drugstore, she had the strongest sense that the graduation card in her hand was not for Chrissie (who would have graduated from high school at this time) but for herself. I mused aloud, What would she have said in that situation? I had no weight. He learned that his eyes, like those of a newborn kitten, had been closed. Sounds like my comment allowed you to stay connected to me. He also wistfully noted that we were discussing a drama in which every character, save himself, was dead. Ive been told thats true of many bald men. Of course, Mike had no idea of what I really wanted from him. Dave, tell me some more about the letters and what they mean to you.. She had had a rotten week and was filling me in on some of the details. When I asked him what had happened a couple of years ago, he described an episode he had never shared before, not even with Phyllis. She usually knew what was going on in my life, but shed want to know about her friends and her brothers. It was an extraordinarily intimate moment. These words were said quickly, but the cadence slowed for the last sentence. Sooner or later I know that I will do it, its the only way out. This was a woman steeped in self-deception. I gave up. Who knows, maybe she was better, maybe I had successfully disillusioned her, and she needed to lick her wounds in solitude for a while before proceeding with any form of therapy? Why have you remained silent? She defended her rating on the basis that she had told me things she had never shared before: that, for example, she had once stolen a magazine from a drugstore and was fearful about going alone to a restaurant or to the movies. At the same time, each story documents some remarkably incisive interpretations and effective interventions which proved to be life-altering in some way for the patients, whether or not therapy proved successful in the final analysis. They were evil, awful people, especially one toothless old crone whose face reminded me of Susan Jennings. 541-301-8460 love's executioner two smiles summary Licensed and Insured love's executioner two smiles summary Serving Medford, Jacksonville and beyond! For as long as I can remember, I have taught my students that if something big in a relationship is not being talked about (by either patient or therapist), then nothing else of importance will be discussed either. It was only when he started acting professionally, when he went back into a formal role, that he hurt me. Though I was gradually entering her experiential world and growing accustomed to hyperbolic assessments of Matthew, I was truly staggered by her next comment. Yet she remained indifferent to me. . Now she was saying she had gone far enough; it was time to stop. DOC WordPress These were real people therenot sources of information. Others, and among them I include myself, marvel that anyone can take diagnosis seriously, that it can ever be considered more than a simple cluster of symptoms and behavioral traits. . What made the difference? Surely there must be someone who warranted respect. Ultimately she married a sweet, elderly man. Many years ago he had developed a strong belief in reincarnation, a belief that offered him blessed relief from fears about dying. His eyes open now to the existential facts of life, he was grappling with the inevitability of death and with his powerlessness to save himself. He had done all the work he was to do that day. I decided upon a general strategy: my basic position would be that I wanted to get closer to her but that her behavioral traits got in the way. Huge chunks of time devoured. I enjoyed the give-and-take. How honest? These feelings never disappeared but during her best times merely receded to the background, awaiting a suitable cue to return. I mean exactly what I said. Thelma came in for the next session looking ten years younger and with a spring to her step. The day Betty entered my office, the instant I saw her steering her ponderous two-hundred- fifty-pound, five-foot-two-inch frame toward my trim, high-tech office chair, I knew that a great trial of countertransference was in store for me. I want to be loved, to be respected. No, we were not off to a good start. Go visit the porno shops in the Tenderloinitd be good for your education. It was apparent that both he and I had reservations. If she loses, you lose. Perhaps I was staying longer with her than I should. Thelma was getting herself worked up into an irrational frenzy and was going to block my last chance to help her. What other feelings did you have about them? The first dreams that patients bring to therapy, especially rich and detailed ones, are often deeply illuminating. That one, Thelma informed me when she saw me turning to the second photo, of a sixty-year-old handsome but stolid woman, was taken about eight years ago. I began to relinquish my ideas of striking back at Matthew. Yalom is especially famous for his work with existential theory. On her way home from the previous session, she stopped at the cemetery, sat next to Chrissies grave and, as she often did, wept for her daughter. . Having already overscheduled himself with teaching and consultation commitments to younger colleagues, he was forced to work much of the night preparing for his sessions with Dr. K. At the end of his six months, the project was still unfinished, but Saul assured Dr. K. he would complete it and see it published in a leading journal. Above all, I wished to protect and maintain our relationship. His fantasy about Ruth allowed him to feel that he could still be touched and cared for by another human. It was deeply frustrating. Carlos didnt seem to listen. I finally learned that six months ago Marvin had made the decision to retire and sell his accountancy firm. See you Thurs., But though warm spring breezes were wafting through the open window, it was winter in my office. Then he had to disidentify with the non-core parts: they might represent what he liked, or did, or valuedbut they were not him, not his central being. Shortly afterward, at a party, I met a young man who had just returned from the Stockholm Institute. It was wrong to talk to her about Marge. Never in his life had Saul failed to complete a project, and his first reaction was to suggest he continue on it alone. Another way is to help the patient get outside of it and move into the observer role. A well-meaning but blustering and insensitive student (later, mercifully, to become an orthopedic surgeon) was conducting an interview before his classmates and attempting to use the early Rogerian technique of coaxing the patient along by repeating the patients words, usually the last word of the statement. I will never have children. Marvin and the dreamer had fused, and I spoke to them now as to a single person. The teacher said I should return when I felt ready. Thats an important part of the reason Matthews acceptance of her loomed so large: He knew me as very few people ever haveas I really am, completely open, nothing held back.. Ive been hurt enough. No! I told myself, shaking myself free. Beware of stripping a patient who cant bear the chill of reality. We stayed on such a formal level that our use of first names seemed ungainly. She and her dog stopped from time to time and listened for danger. Two Smiles 8. Weighing all these considerations, I finally chose my response. Yes, I cant deny that life in the later years is just one damn loss after another; but, even so, Ive found far greater tranquility and happiness in my seventh, and eighth and ninth decades than I ever imagined possible. How excitingto be given another chance, to paint his life all over again on a blank canvas.. Not only did it explain his defensiveness at work, but he could extend this disidentification model to pertain to his body. She sat high in the chair, as though she were sitting in her own lap. Freedom, another given of existence, presents a dilemma for several of these ten patients. Did I have the right to do that? I began by briefly thanking him for coming. Im tired. In response to my raised eyebrows, she explained she had just played eighteen holes of golf with her twenty-year-old nephew. I shall have to take medicine the rest of my life. Someone is accusing him of being involved only in the transplantation process and being uninterested in all the messy circumstances of how he got the heart from the donor. Once again I began to suspect that he had already sent the fifty thousand dollars and was unwilling to tell me. There are ten stories: 1) Love's Executioner 2) "If Rape Were Legal." 3) Fat Lady 4) "The Wrong One Died" Thus, I may advise, argue, badger, cajole, goad, implore, or simply endure, hoping that the patients neurotic worldview will crumble away from sheer fatigue. I will always work in a menial job. My father, who molested me when I was a child, is dead. After hearing him out, I tried to offer some support by stating that a long depression is almost as hard on the family as it is on the patient. You hear me? A few weeks later, I went on a weeks vacation with my family to a beautiful Caribbean island. He imagined telling his father how much he had missed him and how much he would have liked to have known him. Sometimes she came into my office in tears after a week without food and no compensating weight loss. Nonetheless, I felt convinced that I could resolve this whole crisis in one or two sessions. After approximately one year of psychotherapy, Maries depression lifted, and she turned her attention to rebuilding her life. I didnt buy his reply, but the moment called for patience, not confrontation. I was able to see myself in their worries, questions, thoughts and fears. And now you suddenly stop, you pass on to a new stage. And yet, time after time, I have seen this group exercise evoke unexpectedly powerful feelings. Without them I might run wild., That was a curious comment. I felt one with Thelma. Nine years before, Marie and Charles, her husband, had obtained a dog, an ungainly dachshund named Elmer. Ive waited. Think about that. She was an exceptionally intelligent, creative, highly attractive woman (when she was not distorting her face). But it was not until she stumbled upon an extraordinary revelation about the dangers of losing weight that she could make the decision to begin her diet. I commented that, in this office, the opposite was true: the more she tried to entertain me, the more distant and less interested I felt. Only after she was spent, only after she had dared to say what she had been feeling over the last eight years (since first hearing that her Chrissie had a killing cancer)that she had given up on both her sons; that Brent, at sixteen, was already beyond help; that she had prayed for years that Jims body could have been given to Chrissie (What did he need it for? He then proceeded to summarize the events of his life since we had last met. She had that very hour given me a concept that would serve me in good stead in all my future work with the bereaved : if one is to learn to live with the dead, one must first learn to live with the living. As always, I am grateful to Stanford University for providing me with the support, academic freedom, and intellectual community so essential for my work. If she could play all those roles, she must be the concealed, guiding intelligence behind them all. What fueled his passion for secrecy? On my last day in China, I spent an afternoon alone wandering through the back streets of Shanghai and came upon a handsome but entirely deserted Catholic church. Well, the last eight cant be counted as therapy because of Thelmas secretiveness. Sex, itself, didnt play too important a role., This helps us understand the dream you had a couple of weeks ago.. Of course, I am not alone in my bias. He lacked the confidence provided by an established school of thought, a professional home such as a Freudian, a Jungian, a Lacanian, an Adlerian, or a cognitive-behavioral one with an all- embracing explanatory system. This possibility occurred to her a couple of years later when, while taking an out-of-town guest sightseeing, she warily entered a gay bar on Castro Street and was astounded to see fifteen Matthews sitting at the barfifteen slim, attractive, neatly mustached young men. This openness, this honesty! It almost killed him when I attempted suicide. Every migraine, its intensity, duration, and treatment, was coded in blue. Perhaps it is because love and psychotherapy are fundamentally incompatible. The following data were extracted from the income statement of Saleh Inc.: b. I knew more about Marie and about her smiles. Amazon.com: Love's Executioner: 9780465020119: Yalom, Irvin D.: Books Go home and read those goddamn letters! Perhaps I was annoyed that my previous therapy with him was showing signs of wear. Save, of course, my father, and he was really part of her, her mouthpiece, her animus, her creation who (according to Asimovs first law of robotics) could not turn against his makerdespite my prayers that he would oncejust once, please, Dadpop her. Does Yalom believe that we can relate to people if we can vividly and reliably categorize them? She didnt know what would happen to her if she didnt have her weekly fix. It seemed to me she was still resisting closeness by referring to a fix rather than to me, and I gradually confronted her on that point. I rolled up the chart, told Marvin Id like to study it in detail later, and attempted to restore some rhythm to the session by asking him to tell me the whole story of his illness from the beginning. Yet, as a result of my long relationship with Marie, I interpreted those smiles very differently. I dont want to get closer to them.. A couple of weeks later, I saw definite signs of a breast, two breasts. During this time, Carlos was particularly helpful. Its ridiculous for someone of my age to act like a foolish adolescent., Is there a question in there for me? Thats one kind of daydream. We shook hands, and as he left my office I became aware that I was glad to see him go. Fusion eradicates anxiety in a radical fashionby eliminating self-awareness. That would have been treating her like an equal.). He said that would be necessary for my own sanity, and he was certain that it would be best for Thelma as well.. I knew from our work three years before that this aunt, the one who had brought him up after his parents death, was a bitter, vindictive woman. I tried to teach her the ABCs of the language of intimacy: for example, how to use the pronouns I and you, how to identify feelings (starting with the difference between feelings and thoughts), how to own and to express feelings. As for love, when I was younger I had many, many lovers. He said he had a bad back, but I knew him well for many years afterward and never heard him mention back trouble. Actually, I understated the case to you. His amount of self-disclosure was outrageous twenty-five years ago and set most therapists teeth on edge. moineau signification spirituelle. The head in the slidemy head, my vision, my memorygets in the way. And still it seems outrageous. But he didnt have his head in the clouds. He expressed little curiosity about the new treatment plan I had mentioned on the phone. He had changed his mind about retirement and was now working part-time, but had switched fields and was doing more real estate development and managementwork that he found more interesting. But now it was his turn to be shocked. Marge illuminated another dimension of that contract: that I must be with her most central self. Love's Executioner 2. I had always had warm feelings toward my father and would have welcomed the opportunity to invite him to live in my home. The flush of pride I first experienced quickly gave way to a sense of deflation: This guy writes a lot better than I can.. When I went to the waiting room to greet Thelma, I was dismayed at her physical deterioration. Their sessions started off as research and ended in therapy. Hes not out back in the workshop. Does that sound like a crazy thought?, I dont know if its crazy, but it sounds like a desperate and terribly painful thought., Hes trying to drive me to suicide. Of course, she was still special in that she had special qualities and gifts, that she had a unique life history, that no one who had ever lived was just like her. A third barrier to the full knowing of another lies not in the one who shares but in the other, the knower, who must reverse the sharers sequence and translate language back into imagethe script the mind can read. Indeed, it was her drive to escape her destiny that fueled Pennys workaholism, that kept her working long grueling hours. And there was the matter of her sons bedroom. Of several colors available, he selected red. Marge had changed: the panics occurred only rarely; the phone calls were a thing of the past; she had begun to build a social life and had made two close friends. Ive been using it to hypnotize myself., I like your suggestions, Marge, except that youre being tough on my wall hanging. When Chrissie was ill, Penny had spent inordinate amounts of time with her. If I were in your situation, Id feel the same way.. Had she wasted her life? We are free to be anything but unfree: we are, Sartre would say, condemned to freedom. Could I help him assume the witness to himself posture without his feeling that I was demeaning both him and the letters? His parting shot to the group was to say that he would welcome a rape attempt by any woman in the group. Some day soon, perhaps in forty years, there will be no one alive who has ever known me. He didnt answer my questions. I had never before seen her play. It seemed natural for Matthew to describe his new pad in the Haight, and so very natural for Thelma to say she was dying to see it. I answered each one as fully and honestly as possible. No one wants to talk about a childs dying. I was convinced the abscess had to be incised and drained and that what I needed to do was to persuade you to permit me to do it. I needed to be precise and constructive. One is the belief in personal specialness; the other, the belief in an ultimate rescuer. Penny was a survivor. But when I focused on her depression, she presented a persuasive case that depression was an appropriate response to her life situation. Penny had never finished school, and Chrissie was going to do it for both of them (and was also going to attend Stanford for both of them). The decades had eroded none of their restorative powers: she exhaled deeply, calmed herself, and sat back in her chair. I got to the mailbox andand. I knew what those letters meant: they were my final judgment, my personal apocalypse. And the length of the sentence! Then I started having trouble with the slide projector. Though I had known her for less than an hour, I had been charmed by her.